Writer:
Joe Pokaski

Artist:
Tyler Kirkham

Letterer:
Rus Wooton

So, it's finally here. Jeph Loeb and his Heroes pals jumping on the Ultimate line of books and, really, Ultimately fucking them over big-time. The is the first tie-in to Ultimatum, and it truly is a tie-in of the Merry Marvel Style; That is, add a tangential connection, reveal nothing, and generally make this book a waste of paper.

I mean, it's better than an actual regular issue of the comic, which, I have to say, even a rock would be, but it's formulaic as all hell.

This is how Joe Pokaski wrote this issue.

1. Read the first two or three arcs of the comic.
2. Draw ideas from them.
3. Read Ultimatum #1.
4. Have a romp in the Empath Magic Treehouse
5. Drink heavily.
6. Sleep.
7. Carefully neglect to include anything of importance to Ultimatum #1.

So Sue is uninrevisible and comatose, and Ben is a football player, and the Mole Doctor is still a creepy shit. That's what we learned. Isn't that charming? It's riddled with random and pointless flashbacks that do nothing to advance the story except remind us that Ben Grimm is a football player, and tie a scene in the past in with a scene in the present.

There's a page to synchronize the line, "Those two, best friends, how did you think that happened?", and about three to say that, SURPRISE!, Ben Grimm plays football and thus can tackle a lava man or something.

Also, Tyler Kirkham can't draw children. I can only assume he lives a shut-in and acerbic life, raised by a faceless horde of anonymous servants, and was never let out of his strange and quiet house to play with any of the other adults-in-training. He probably studied accounting, or maybe wrote treatises on the fractal patterns in the gathering of dust on ancient accordions. Either way, the man ain't seen no kid before.

So, to recap: The art is bad in spots, there is no story, and most of the book is simply a waste of paper. This could have been told in a quarter of this story, easily. Congratulations, Loeb, you've done it. I'm dropping the Ultimate line for at least the duration of Ultimatum. Considering this is what drew me back into comics and I've read it in its entirety... Just feel proud when you're sitting in that treehouse, y'know?

What's next from you, by the way? "Fallen Sun: What Happens At Night Time, Also, Cancer! (My Son Died Three And A Half Years Ago Edition)"? Just, please, you talentless hack, stop writing. Now. That's an order. I'll even throw in this little toy thing I found in my cereal box. It'll go nicely in your treehouse. No, I don't want to shake hands! Everything you touch turns to crap, and there's no toilet in sight! I flee, in terror, to the nearest game of lava men football.

This Loebotomy of a comic gets a One out of Five.

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Sullivan E. wrote on November 19, 2008, 13:14

Title: ... Damn it! I knew I should have patented loebotomy!

Dominik B. wrote on November 19, 2008, 13:25

Title: ... little toy thing I found in my cereal box Don't listen to him, Jeph, it's really a squirrel! There is no toy! Also what has Loeb got to with Pokaski fucking up? I mean, if it just barely touches upon Ultimatum, then it's all Pokaski's fault, not Loeb's.

mathias wrote on November 19, 2008, 13:50

Title: ... One of the best tie-ins to a major crossover was done in the Swamp-Thing. The overarching plot of the Crisis was acknowledged then thrown aside for one that lets the author do his own story.

Nick S. wrote on November 19, 2008, 14:46

Title: ... And that would be fine if this author had a story to tell instead of rehashing the first few arcs and making every other page a flashback like his Heroes-pal Jeph tells him to.

Dominik B. wrote on November 19, 2008, 15:12

Title: ... Does Loeb have editorial powers now? Tell me it isn't so!

Mato wrote on November 19, 2008, 15:59

Title: ... And that would be fine if this author had a story to tell instead of rehashing the first few arcs and making every other page a flashback like his Heroes-pal Jeph tells him to. Former-Heroes-pal! Don't forget that Heroes producers are wiser and more intelligent than Marvel and fired Loeb

Nick S. wrote on November 19, 2008, 23:57

Title: ... Yes, but the Heroes writers (Joe Pokaski and Aron Eli Coleite, the latter of which DOES appear to be able to write) are still his friendly treehouse buddies! xD

Paul C wrote on November 21, 2008, 08:27

Title: ... Yep, this was fairly poor. He just seemed to skim the major points of Ultimatum, in that no-one went after Reed or really questioned where he was that much and similarly they made no mention of any search party for Johnny. Plus they just mentioned Dr. Storm was dead and that was that. Ben should have shown more concern overall I felt. Parts of Pokaski's story just didn't make sense such as the mother just appearing after last being seem with Doom, yet Latveria is all frozen over so how did she get here. And if she had been living in New York, how did nobody find/pick up that she was there. And Ben just happening to steal Pym Particales at the end seemed terribly convenient and out-of-character. Plus the majority of the jokes failed to hit their mark. Pokaski also loses major points for going on in-depth about American Football, one of the most boring sports ever! The art was serviceable enough although I am glad they gave Kirkham inkers this time around so it didn't look Marc Silvestri-lite. The only real good thing I liked about the issue was that they have come full circle with the Mole Man starring in the first and final story arcs. Dominik Boes Loeb have editorial powers now? Tell me it isn't so! Not sure about powers, but he has editorial immunity at least as none of the editors seem to do any kind of quality control on his work. But why would they anyways? His shit sells well mainly due to him having a big enough background to snag all the top artists.

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